March 11, 2007
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what now?
I’ve thought some about finding a way to be okay instead of pissed about what Will asked me to do. I have a tendency to get angry, almost as if I am eager to be wronged, and I’m wondering how I can do things differently. I’ve been pretty tolerant about Will of late, that and a little bored, and why, really, should it piss me off that he booked a date with an Asian call girl, or that he hadn’t told me about it? It could actually be seen as kind of a bonding thing, because I am actually the only person he could have called who would and could take care of such a chore; it does say something about trust and intimacy.
That’s one thing. Another is that I haven’t heard any more about/from him yet. I had asked him to call me when he could after the surgery (which I understood was to happen some time on Friday), but when I’d heard nothing by 3:30 this afternoon, I called and left a message for Sherry at home. I should have tried a little harder not to have an attitude about not having heard anything, but may have had a bit of an edge…anyway, I never did hear from her and it’s past midnight. That’s a drag. Anything with hospitals and surgery, I want to know things are going all right. I am certainly prepared to visit tomorrow if possible and appropriate.
Even if I feel that Will and I have been distant and somewhat grown-apart over the past year or so, we’ve had so many years of closeness, and there were so many more when he was part of my consciousness. There were the four years before I met him that I was a crushed-out fan. The nearly ten years when we hardly ever saw each other, but a month never went by when I didn’t think about him and I always remembered him as someone very special, above and beyond all others. It took me a lot of years to drink my fill of him and a few to knock him off the pedestal I’d had him on all these years, but there’s an intimacy remaining, and a very permanent love, whatever our connection is from hereon in.
I had some incidents at work last week that also brought out that angry/hurt reaction in me, and I know that I often overreact and I usually chalk it up to the portion of my mood disorder that is not under control. The blood test my psychiatrist took that turned up the extremely high blood sugar in October was supposed to be checking my liver function to see if I could handle lithium for the mild bipolar I was sure I had, and the doctor was willing to treat. What he did end up doing was prescribing me some clonazepam because I admitted that I sometimes used Leo’s when I caught those bad crying jags (with Leo’s knowledge).
But I’m also seeing that in some ways I choose these situations to be bigger bumps than they have to be; I may finally be starting to understand what it’s meant all these years that people have told me, “you take things too personally.” I never felt I had a choice about how to “take” those things, but I’m really starting to think that I do, and that I’d be a lot happier if I chose some other way to understand them and react to them. I know that part of this is about creating drama and being able to play a victim, which seems to come out of plain old insecurity and fear of failure. I’m also determined to get to the bottom of my procrastination, and I’m actually publicizing a book right now that might just do it. I’ll report in detail if it seems to work.
I also really do hope that the TM thing comes through. I think Bobby still adores me but I also think Bobby is something of a smoothie, a high-level publicist *and* a guy who drank the koolaid…I like him anyway but I know he has his priorities. But I think meditation might help me with my moods and with my stress.
Which reminds me…we went to the company’s annual results meeting yesterday, me and Lee and the new boss (I’m thinking she’s okay so far), and the only Tarcher book mentioned, amid the sea of lavish attention to all of the company’s many many award-winning books and many many many bestselling books and many many many many New York Times bestsellers…yeah, you got it, the Lynch book.
I may not have anything as huge Lynch or Pinchbeck through the end of ’07, though I’ll be doing a big paperback launch for Pinchbeck (very unusual for us, anything beyond a mailing for a paperback), and decent-sized launches in paper for Black Like You and The Power of Kindness.
The new boss took the Judy Collins book. Yay!
I’m tired now. Should write more often. And about a lot more than Will.
